Have you ever heard of someone jumping the Grand Canyon with their own two feet? That's impossible, right? Well, what I am about to share with you is the equivalent.
I could tell you all the reasons I ended up high that night. How I felt abandoned and abused. How I was a victim of my circumstances, etc. But the bottom line is that it doesn't matter how I ended up on my 4-day drug induced fast and sleeplessness.
Nov. 6, 1987 I had been high on crystal meth for 3 days, going on 4. I was 18 and lived with my boyfriend, Fred. I was talking a million miles a minute and he wanted to go to sleep. I decided I wanted to remember the interesting things I was tripping out on, so I grabbed some paper and a pen and scurried to the living room to get it all down in writing.
I titled the paper "How do you solve a problem you don't know you have?" The answer came quickly, "You can't! You have to know what your problem is to solve it." So I began to list what I believed were my problems: my mother for not loving me; my step-father's abuse; my father's neglect; my aunts and uncles for not rescuing me… all the way back to the boy in 4th grade who spit on my shoes.
I paused for a moment to look at my list and realized those weren't problems, those were people. People weren't my problem, I WAS! I put the straw to my nose, not them. I made that choice! Of course, I made that choice to help ease the pain of old wounds, but that was still my choice. That made ME my biggest problem.
I began thinking of how my life might look if I forgave those people. I wouldn't need to anesthetize with drugs anymore. Maybe I could get a job or go back to school. Little by little I began to see a "normal" life in my mind's eye, something I wanted desperately but couldn't find the strength to do. That idea was followed by an even more impossible concept. "What if I went to church? After all, if God is real, He would have to help me - that's His job!"
Someone had told me that Jesus died on the cross for my sins a year or so before. I tried going to church with them, but I just didn't fit in. I thought I was ruined and it was too late for me when I compared myself to the other girls sitting around me.
Now, reconsidering my path in life, church was beginning to look possible. At the moment I proclaimed it had to be His job to help me, I felt an overwhelming sense of confirmation. It was as if I heard Him say, "That's right!" He was telling me that He would help me. If I would do my part by letting go of all those hurts, something that seemed impossible, He would help me do it!
When you have a question, it stays a question until someone answerers it for you. There was NO WAY I could have known those things on my own. Nor could I have had the power to take action on them. They would have just been fleeting thoughts at best. That is unless it was really God.
At the moment I heard His powerful affirmation, I also heard this…please don't miss it, it is the most important part of what I am sharing with you. At that moment I experienced God's love for me. THE God of the Universe! He knew me, all my hurts, habits and hang-ups, and He loved me, just the way I was. Not the way I could be, but right there in the midst of my mess!
After some time with God, I decided I'd better go to sleep. I put my head on the pillow and told God if it was real, I would "experience" Him as much when I woke up as I had that night.
After a wonderful deep sleep, I awoke to what seemed to be a beautiful morning. The first thing my eyes focused on was the place where the ceiling meets the wall. The first words off my lips…"Thank you, God!" He was every bit as real to me right then as He had been when I went to sleep.
I got up and made my way to the kitchen. Fred saw me and made a comment that he was wondering if I was still alive. I chuckled. Then he said I had been asleep for 3 days. That would mean no food for almost 7 days and no water for 3!
Then I KNEW. There was no way I had any residual drugs in my body, that I had been off them for almost 4 days and I woke up with the same experience I went to bed with; God's Love! All I wanted to do now was reciprocate! How could I love this God who loved me first? Who came to me in the middle of the night so undeservingly? I wasn't sure, but I was prepared to spend the rest of my life seeking Him and discovering ways to love Him back!
Since that fateful night I have been extraordinarily blessed. No, not a life of peaches and cream. I have had many issues to overcome and many life hurdles. You don't get from where I was to where I am without a LOT of hard work. But, the hope of a God who first loved me has inspired my life.
I have since invented many products that have done over $30 million in retail sales. I have the most amazing husband and 3 healthy and happy children. I have the privilege of helping others find God's love in my daily life and through ministry efforts.
My life has miraculously changed, and like jumping the Grand Canyon, my life was transformed that night. It didn't happen because I am special or smart, but because God loves us all so much that if we will just take responsibility for our actions, despite what others have done to us, He will give us the power to change our lives, even when it is a Grand Canyon that separates us from that change!
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these
is love.
-1 Corinthians 3:13
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