Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families (Part Two)
We conclude our look at the ten key characteristics of dysfunctional families.
Adult-focused
Children are expected to be miniature adults, and are controlled by oppressive rules such as, "Act your age," "Don't embarrass us," "Don't touch," "Don't be a pest," "Don't have to much fun," "Don't laugh too hard," or "Don't ask for anything." The real message is "Don't act like a child," because children are too spontaneous and challenge the rigidity and need to control in these families.
Preoccupation with fault and blame
It is normal to make mistakes and to be held accountable. However, dysfunctional families don't merely hold others accountable, they indict them. Behaviors are given too much power. The message is "Don't ever make us look bad, embarrass us, bring attention to us, expose us, etc." Therefore mistakes are dealt with harshly, with tons of shame and blame. A great deal of energy is expended to find fault, or avoid fault. No one wants to take responsibility; overreaction is common. Family members can never be good enough or sorry enough. The best bet is to find someone else to blame.
Strong on "head skills"
Family members become very defensive; shame and blame hurt. To survive, family members become experts at self-protection and quickly learn to deny the existence of problems, blame others and rationalize issues away. There is constant interrogation, asking questions for which there are no answers. "What possessed you to say/do that, is your brain malfunctioning?" The only safe answer is "I don't know." Emotions must never be acknowledged.
Weak on "heart skills"
Feelings are not allowed; emotions must be thought, not felt. Ask an adult who grew up in a dysfunctional home how he/she feels and you will hear thoughts, not feelings. If a feeling cannot be explained, it must not exist. Experiencing feelings such as loneliness or sadness is viewed as weakness. Pressure is applied to make these feelings go away. The result is shame and emotional numbness, as well as incredibly deep, but unexpressed sadness. Messages such as, "Don't act like a baby," "Don't get a big head about this," "Why don't you go cry about it," "Who do you think you are?" or "You're not special" deny the humanness and identity of family members.
People appear OK, but are incredibly needy
People come away from dysfunctional families with some important inner beliefs: "I am not lovable; I am only OK when I perform; I am not capable, valuable or worthwhile; I don't know where I fit in or belong." Family members exist to perpetuate and support the system; it doesn't exist to equip, nurture or affirm them. However, since everyone is so needy and empty, this rarely happens. Consequently, family members are indicted for failing and manipulated into trying harder--leading to greater despair. Shame and neediness gets passed on to future relationships. The irony is, that on the surface, individuals appear whole and OK. Underneath however, they are empty, crippled and disconnected. They long for authentic connection, but don't know how. Their system is perpetuated.
Even if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you have options. Contact Good News Tucson for available resources.
Live and love well.
Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 520-721-0800.
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