Good News Tucson - A Family Values Magazine

Widow's Mite & Widow's Might by Don Blascak

In the New Testament, in the book of Luke, we are told of a poor widow who gave, out of her poverty, a mite, the smallest coin of the realm in those ancient days. Her gift was especially pleasing for she gave out of sacrifice. In this busy world, fraught with excess and a horrific pace of activity, we find in our own community modern day widows who make sacrifices to bring comfort to other widows whose loss is staggering and often ignored in our break-neck pace of living. These widows and widowers, for spousal loss plays no favorites, gather together to collectively unite in a "might" of encouragement, sharing, solace and comfort.

The Loss of A Spouse

A relationship founded on love, caring, dedication, child bearing and parenting, mutual respect, and being together through moments and times of exhilaration and times of sorrow and pain forms a bond and closeness that death steals and often leaves an open wound. When a spouse dies, the dependency and ability to share and confide in life's most tender and special moments is no longer there. There is no word that adequately express the loss and no ready answer to sufficiently explain why. A surviving spouse has feelings of words unsaid, forgiveness unstated, questions unresolved and deeds not accomplished.

There is always the thought "oh I just wish I had said" and "if only I had done this or that." Closure is often shattered by the immediacy and finality of a loved one's passing even if that passing is accompanied by a long illness. There still remains a certain denial regardless of the preparations made and the assurances that "it's OK." The finality is often hard to grasp. Faith can be a consolation but the loneliness and feeling of being alone is overwhelming. In many cases the surviving spouse is unprepared for the many aspects of living alone. A friend, at the loss of her husband of 40 years, confided that she didn't know how to balance a checkbook.

There comes a time with grieving when the question is asked about whether or not it is all right to continue life and enjoy new experiences. The notion is that it would not be respectful to continue on. Often it takes a person who has passed through the grieving process to convey credible answers to this and other difficult questions.

Finding Support

There is great truth in the adage that understanding and mentoring come best from someone who has occasioned the same experience. In 1977, Genevieve Ginsberg, herself a widow founded a non-profit group called "Widows to Widows." The idea at that time was to unite women who had experienced the loss of a husband. Over the years the original group accepted widowers and expanded to a point where four separate groups exist in the Tucson area. Under a motto which says "To Live Again: Surviving Widowhood," the groups meet on a regular basis and provide comfort to one another and guide their fellows in sorrow through the intimate and sometimes terribly challenging adjustment to a new day with different choices so difficult to face alone. They are in effect there for each other. Their concerns are always kept in extreme confidence and never shared outside the group.

One group led by Fran Janssen and Barbara Lewis actually offers a 14-week course for those experiencing a loss. Their stated purpose is to provide "an ongoing support group for widows and widowers to help identify goals and life directions in a caring environment with friends." This group can be contacted through the Oasis Catalog- Making Learning an Adventure.

The Grieving Process

In some instances, the grieving process takes a long time. In these cases, the group provides support with the understanding that different people grief and treat their loss in a personal and often different way. Patience and friendship are the key words.

Get Connected

The only qualification for these groups is that members are widows or widowers. The groups are non-sectarian and their commonness is the mutual experience of grief and loss. The groups function around a format of meetings where the confidential issues are discussed in a private setting. They then normally go out to eat a lunch or dinner together and enjoy each others company. The groups do no fund raising but charge a small fee to participate which covers a newsletter, mailings and incidentals.

Marlene Bernstein has been a member of Widow to Widow for some time. Her very real joy comes when a new member, can begin to laugh, smile and exchange stories and anecdotes with other group members.

Marlene also said it's an even greater joy when that same person mentors a new widow or widower as they bring their recent grief to the group.

For added information call the Widow to Widow answering service at 520-579-8183. The answering service will administer a very short questionnaire and you will be contacted in turn by a representative to provide you with additional information.