Cover Story
The divorce rate in the United States is 43% - and
that is only for first time marriages.
Second marriages climb to a
whopping 60% divorce rate. And if you think that Christians
are not as susceptible to divorce, think again. Depending on which
survey you take into account, people who professed to be "born again" Christians
had only a slightly
lower divorce rate, if at all.
You might be in a marriage that is holding on by one last thread, and you hold little hope for it to succeed. On the other hand, perhaps your marriage is strong, but you realize that it takes constant and consistent work to keep it healthy. Divorce damages everyone touched by it, and no one is more harmed by divorce than children. No matter what stage your union is in at this moment, there are steps you can take to avoid divorce.
More and more women are walking out of their marriages, leaving their husbands and, in increasing numbers, their children as well, seeking the happiness they feel they deserve. Shannon Ethridge, who co-wrote "Every Woman's Marriage: Igniting the Joy and Passion You Both Desire" with her husband Greg, shares the startling statistic that 84% of women feel that they do not have the intimacy or oneness in their marriage that they long for. Shannon speaks out of personal experience.
"Seven years into our marriage and I was crying, 'You just don't meet
my emotional needs!'" Shannon shares. "I was thinking of leaving
Greg and our two young children in pursuit of the love I felt entitled to,
but Greg spoke the truth in love and said, 'Shannon, you have a GRAND CANYON
of emotional needs, and even if every man in Dallas lined up outside your
doorstep, it would never be enough to satisfy you.' He went on to explain,
'Until you look to GOD to satisfy your emotional needs, there's nothing that
I nor any other man on the planet can do to satisfy you.'"
Shannon says that Greg's words hurt, but only because they were so cuttingly
true. "I've come to realize that there was ONE common denominator in
ALL of my previous relationships," says Shannon. "ME! And as long
as I was unhappy with myself, I was unhappy with ANY relational equation!"
One night, Shannon received what she calls a rude awakening. "It was probably the umpteenth time we were having the same argument," she says. "I didn't feel as if Greg was making any attempt to meet my emotional needs--again. It had been days since we had any real conversation, weeks since we'd had sex, and months since he took me out for any quality time together. Rather than lovingly ask him, 'Am I doing something wrong that's causing your heart to grow cold toward me?' I am ashamed to say I went back to that lame old, 'You're too passive!' excuse and angrily blamed him for the lack of passion in our relationship. 'Why don't you pursue me anymore? Does it ever occur to you to just pick up the phone and ask me if I want to go to dinner? Or to bring me flowers? Or ask me to go on a walk? Anything to show me that you still care!'"
Greg and Shannon slept separately that night. In the morning Greg shared with Shannon that he'd started feeling she'd be better off without him. "Not only was I not living up to Shannon's expectations," says Greg, "but I felt like I was letting everyone else down, too. I was working long hours and accomplishing little at the office. The more time I spent at work, the less time I had for my kids. We were under a load of debt and bills kept piling up. Life just seemed to be knocking me down in so many ways and I didn't feel I had the strength to get back up too many more times. Perhaps I should just put the butcher knife into my own belly? I wondered."
Shannon felt conviction as she listened to Greg. "This is the effect your anger and disillusionment has on Greg," she thought to herself. "You are killing him with your own misery. This is not his problem, it's yours. If you ever want him to meet your emotional needs, you have to learn to inspire his affections rather than requiring them. And how about recognizing that he has emotional needs, too?"
"Up until that unforgettable night I had been blaming Greg for my unhappiness," she said. "But I could no longer deny that I was the one who had been poking holes in the bucket of our marital bliss! Within days, we were in a counseling office together, where Greg made a vow not to harm himself, I made a vow to try to control my anger, and we made vows to each other to try to understand one another's emotional needs."
Avoiding Divorce
Dr. Jeff Parziale, director of the Tucson-based In-Step Ministries, echoes Shannon's insights with keys to avoiding a divorce. "Stop talking and listen," says Dr. Parziale. "Focus on the unmet needs of your partner, and take ownership of your role."
Want
more information 2 = 1, the combined ministries of Nova Shalom, Marriage Ministries International and the University of the Family, is a treasure trove of resources (www.2equal1.com). Their "Married for Life" courses teach couples how they can not only stay married, but experience a rich, abundant life together as a couple. Couples who complete the "Married for Life" course will learn that marriage is a covenant, as well as exactly what that means. They learn about forgiveness, including how to forgive, when to forgive, and how many times to forgive. Couples will learn how to be in agreement even when that does not seem possible, and even how to fight the right way. |
When we are overly focused on our own pain and needs, we tend to forget that our spouse has needs that require attention as well. Make sure that you are taking time to really focus on and listen to your partner. This will help you to not only understand his or her needs, but it may also provide you with valuable insight as to why they are not currently meeting your needs.
When talking with your spouse about your relationship or his or her feelings, stop whatever else you are doing. Put down the paper, turn off the television, and eliminate other distractions. Sit close together, facing one another. Eye and physical contact will help you to bond and allow you to read your partner's body language better. Repeat what your spouse is saying to make sure you are fully grasping what he or she means. This also affirms that you not only heard what they are saying, but you were listening and you really care.
Take ownership for your role in marital problems. "Even if you firmly believe that ninety-five percent of the issues in your marriage are your husband's (or wife's) fault," says Shannon, "are you willing to focus on the five percent that you have control over?"
Taking ownership means searching your own heart and being completely honest with yourself. Focus on the "plank" in your own eye, and in your quiet time with God ask Him to show you your part in any marital problems.
There are other steps you can take to avoid divorce. "Be careful not to re-write the history of your marriage," says Dr. Parziale, "it was not all-bad."
Bringing the Best out of Your Spouse
Each of us has characteristics that are less than desirable. Living with someone day after day, year after year is indeed likely to bring those less-than-lovable traits to the forefront. However, your spouse longs to be loved and cherished, faults and all, just as you do. Take time every day to notice and comment on things you appreciate about your spouse instead of picking them apart.
Rather than complain that your husband spends so much time at work, thank him for working so hard to provide for your family.
Instead of criticizing your wife for the pile of laundry that was not washed, praise her for pouring herself into your children.
Limit the time you spend on plans and responsibilities that keep you away from home. If your spouse verbalizes that they are feeling neglected, take a good look at your schedule. Seek out changes you can make that will benefit your marriage. While you have to work, are you overextending yourself more than most of your colleagues? Of course, it is good to be involved in other activities. However, if your commitment in church, your child's school, or sports is taking priority over your marriage, look for ways to cut back.
Talk about your budget. Statistics show that money problems are one of the number one reasons cited for divorce. If you are struggling with and fighting about financial problems, seek help establishing a budget.
Be sure to budget funds for future plans such as taking a vacation or buying a home. Talking together about your plans and dreams for the future will bring you closer together and instill feelings of unity.
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Do not be a martyr. If you feel like you are doing all the work, all the giving, and always putting yourself last, then speak up! You might feel that it is better to keep it to yourself rather than rock the boat. However, if you bury those feelings inside resentment will build over time and you could find yourself - and your marriage - past the point of no return.
In addition, when you do share these feelings with your spouse, do it in a way that does not cause your partner to become defensive. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel abandoned when you spend this much of your free time with your friends." Again, praise works wonders. When your spouse does something you would like him or her to do more frequently, point it out. Saying, "Thank you for making dinner tonight; I really feel special when you cook for me!" is likely to bring positive results.
Increased Intimacy
Remember that intimacy starts way before you get to the bedroom. Women should remember that men are visual. That does not mean you need to be a supermodel! However, do try to look your best for him. Before you see him at the end of the day, take a moment to brush your hair and put on some lipstick. If you work from home (as a mom or any other profession), try not to wear sweats every day.
Women require more emotional attention in order to desire intimacy. "Husbands, remember that the best way to get your wife to meet your sexual and emotional needs is to inspire it rather than require it," says Shannon, "No woman wants to feel like a piece of meat or a sexual vending machine. They long to feel cherished, appreciated, and loved. Even a few minutes invested looking into her eyes, paying her a sincere compliment, or helping her around the house with a happy heart can result in huge dividends in your relationship, both outside and inside the bedroom."
Before Your Final Decision
If you find yourself with bags packed and one foot out the door, it is still
not too
late to save your marriage. "Find a good marriage counselor," says
Dr. Parziale.
"Be open to sharing your feelings; deal with anger and
resentment. Stop
personally attacking one anther and instead focus on issues.
Own up to
and ask for forgiveness for wrongs you have done. Accept that your
partner's unhappiness is real, valid, thought out and legitimate,
and if
minimized, denied or not taken seriously, will eventually
lead to them leaving."
© 2008 Good News Tucson™
