Good News Tucson - A Family Values Publication

The Family Journey with Dr. Jeff Parziale

Divorce -- Seen Through A Child’s Eyes

Cover photo of Dr. Jeff Parziale's book, Through A Child's Eyes

Divorce may be one of the most impactful events a child ever experiences. The effects can be long-lasting, even into adulthood. What do children want their parents to know about divorce? They want them to know that divorce is intensely stressful, and that they feel left out, frightened and confused. They want them to know that sometimes they are afraid to ask important questions, but typically, they just want to be reassured that things will be okay. They want their parents to know that sometimes they feel pressured to "act" as if everything is fine, when it's not. Finally, they want them to know that they act out their feelings instead to talking about them.

Very few children are adequately prepared for divorce. In fact, for many, the divorce comes as a complete shock. To make matters worse, most receive little post-divorce emotional or spiritual support. Children have some characteristic ways of coping, which include strong feelings of fear, anger and abandonment, and a sense of vulnerability and powerlessness as their family disintegrates. Most experience an acute grief reaction to the loss of their family, particularly to the loss of the absent parent. For many children, these and other reactions can last a long time; much longer than their parents realize.

After a divorce, children have difficulty bridging the gaps between their parents' worlds. Most say they grew up in two families, not one. This is often difficult for adults to understand. The typical divorced adult assumes his or her children are happy with, or at least unaffected by, the changes that have occurred. Nothing could be further from the truth. Children struggle with divorce issues, even many years after the event.

Children take at least a year longer to adjust to divorce than adults. With the time between divorce, dating and remarriage getting shorter and shorter, children often have difficulty keeping up with the changes their parents are making. What this means is that long after a remarriage, children may still be struggling with the loss of their original family.

Many children believe that they had something to do with the divorce. They may remember times when they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. They may associate that conflict with their parents' conflict and blame themselves. Some worry that their parents will stop loving them, or that they will never see one of them again. Sometimes young children do not understand the meaning and permanence of divorce.

It is important for parents to address their child's confusion or misunderstandings with patience, and to reassure them that they will continue to be loved. Children need to be reminded, clearly and firmly, that they are not responsible for the divorce. If you have or are going through a divorce, please be sensitive to the needs of your children.

Excerpted from Through a Child's Eyes by Jeff and Judi Parziale. For resources that can help, please contact the Good News Tucson office.

Live and love well.

Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 520-721-0800.