There is one soil that usually withers pride. It is brokenness. Brokenness
molds our character closer to the character of God than anything else. To
experience defeat, disappointment, loss-the raw ingredients of brokenness-moves
us closer to being like God than victory and gain and fulfillment ever can.
We married in 1991 with high hopes and limitless optimism. We each brought three children, ages 8-17, into our new marriage. For our honeymoon, we drove the coastal highway from Santa Barbara to San Francisco. Who would have guessed that those 7 days would be the best days we would experience in the next 7 years.
The day we returned started a painful seven year wilderness journey; the thin veil of optimism quickly lifted. We had no idea that our children were in pain and still grieving the loss of their family. We soon learned that we were far from ready for this adventure and unprepared for the instant challenges we would face. We were both hoping for the one big happy family-everyone getting along; we were oblivious to how much work it would take or how our children's pain would trigger our own unresolved issues.
The fantasy faded the first month of marriage, and we became painfully aware that we were a fractured group of wounded strangers living under the same roof. Everyone had different memories, traditions, needs and expectations, and no one knew how to articulate them. We had no language to normalize what we were feeling and no way to console one another.
We knew there would be challenges and after much prayer, we believed that God would help us through. In retrospect, we were clueless about the challenges of starting a stepfamily and unable at the time to find the guidance we needed. The single biggest mistake we made was not connecting to a support group or finding someone who could mentor us during those early years.
The combination of our own and our children's woundedness, personality differences, and almost zero ability to function as a team was like the perfect storm. We were so tuned in to our own and our children's pain that we could not nurture one another. Our marriage was not a safe place.
The first several years were the toughest; two steps forward and three steps backward. We were encouraged, then struggled. After years of never knowing what to expect, we were exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually. We knew we were broken, but we had run out of ideas about how to fix the situation. It was then that God brought us to a moment of decision. Do we stay together and let God lead us on this journey, or not? Flesh wanted out; it was too hard and our struggles had drained the life out of us.
We were isolated and discouraged. It was the moment we came closest to breaking apart.
It was at our point of deepest frustration that God met us. He opened our eyes, and for the first time we could see what we hadn't seen in each other and in ourselves. We knew we had to let go of the past mistakes and old resentments that were keeping us from truly loving one another. We had to forgive and radically change our expectations of each other, and of God. Since year seven, we have each worked hard to deal with personal woundedness. We both promised to work on our issues and to support each other through the process. We had to learn to trust each other.
In 2000, we felt God leading us to start InStep Ministries. We were so aware that God had done something remarkable in our lives. We felt blessed and wanted to give back; however, at first, we just didn't have a lot to give. Years of healing began when the kids were grown and left home. Quiet time… time to become friends and realize how much we enjoyed each other's company. It's been said that the honeymoon period for stepfamilies happens at the end, and we know that's the case. We had a chance to look back and see how much we'd grown. We also had time to grieve… over what had happened to our kids and wishing we could have handled it better. Failure was the force that made us take a hard look inside ourselves. Now our greatest joy is sharing what God has taught and using our experiences. There are many realities about remarriage, well beyond the scope of this story. One worth sharing is this: children are wounded after a divorce and remain that way long after either parent has remarried. The impact of these wounds makes it very difficult for children to adjust to changes, such as a remarriage.
Looking back, we can see God's hand in every stage we went through. He was gracious and faithful. Along the way He taught us some important lessons. These lessons that follow seem obvious now, but in the midst of our struggle, we were blind to these insights.
- To grow and heal, you must first admit you are wounded and broken, then allow God to use you in spite of your brokenness
- No matter what you feel, brokenness doesn't mean God has abandoned you. He was with us every step of the way-even when we were far off the path.
- It's really about Jesus: His grace, His faithfulness and His unfailing love and devotion. He had bigger ideas than our weaknesses could comprehend. He wanted to heal and bless us. As recovering perfectionists, we learned to understand grace in a whole new dimension.
- We learned to embrace gratitude to God and to forgive ourselves and each other. Bitterness breeds ungratefulness. Forgiveness is the response of a heart that knows gratitude.
- We learned to humble ourselves before God in repentance and obedience. If you are too proud, God will humble you-it's called humiliation.
- You have to connect. You can't make it without authentic relationships. The more we struggled, the less willing we were to talk with others about our problems. Most stepcouples go it alone because they are ashamed and believe they will be rejected.
- Finally, you have to commit. We embraced each other at the point of our brokenness and committed to journey together.
- You never stop learning lessons. God continues to teach us.
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