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Keys to Remarriage Success
After a remarriage, it can take five to seven years before a new
family becomes a safe place where people are nurtured and affirmed.
The first two years are particularly turbulent, as the family sorts
out new rules and new roles. There are some distinct differences
between those families who succeed and those that do not.
Successful families understand that developing a healthy stepfamily is a process and that fantasies of “instant love” or “instant family” are just that, fantasies. They are able to remain flexible and adaptable and willing to surrender unrealistic expectations of how the family “should” look and function. Based on interviews with hundreds of remarried couples, below are five keys to remarriage success.
Draw value from God. God, not a partner, must be your source of worth and value. Then we can love out of fullness - a love that can give without fear or control.
Develop healthy life skills. Work on skills such as communication, setting boundaries, listening and problem solving. These skills will be tested many times, especially in the first few years.
Understand the stepparent role. Developing an effective role for the stepparent is a critical stepcouple task. Inability to resolve the parent-child-stepparent triangle is the number one cause of remarriage failure.
Work through emotional and spiritual wounds. Life wounds everyone. Letting go of negative emotions allows couples to freely give and receive love.
Work through unresolved issues from past relationships. Most couples have been impacted by life and by past relationships. Dynamics surrounding past hurts will negatively impact the family if left unaddressed and unresolved.
Allow yourself (and your children) to grieve. Give yourself (and your children) permission to talk about and grieve losses. Remember that every change contains the potential for loss.
Be aware of your limitations and your ability to handle remarriage challenges. Be honest about your ability to handle the stresses and pressures of stepfamily. The solution is not to become a super-stepparent, for example, but to be real and committed.
Understand the stepfamily process. It takes four-to-seven years for a new stepfamily to stabilize. The first two years are normally quite turbulent.
Be sure expectations are realistic. Most remarrying couples have expectations that are not consistent with the realities stepfamily life. No matter how hard you try, your family will not “blend” immediately, or look and function like a nuclear family.
Be aware of misbeliefs. The most common are “instant love” or “instant family.” Most remarrying couples attempt to re-create the nuclear family.
Develop and maintain a healthy support network. We really do need each other. Develop a network of family and friends who can pray with you, and provide guidance, encouragement and accountability.
So it all boils down to this: Embrace and enjoy the journey. Keep a sense of humor; have as much fun as possible along the way. Learn to cherish special moments. You are creating a legacy and forming the character of the precious lives God has entrusted to you.
Live and love well.
Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 520-721-0800.
© 2008 Good News Tucson™
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