Good News Tucson - A Family Values Publication

The Family Journey with Dr. Jeff Parziale

Top 10 Steps to Stepfamily Success

Experts tell us that soon there will be more stepfamilies than any other family form. Other experts tell us that stepfamilies have more stress and that they divorce more often than first-time families.

Since there are going to be a lot of stepfamilies, and the possibility of divorce is greater, I’d like to share with you my list of ten success factors. Do these well, and I guarantee your family will beat the expert’s odds.

First, create an atmosphere of grace and trust in your family, initiated and modeled by the couple, where family members can safely share, negotiate and blend their needs, concerns, disappointments, and disagreements.

Second, make your spouse number one. The marriage relationship must be primary and one that both nourishes the couple and flexes with conflict.

Third, find an effective role for the stepparent; one that allows him or her to move into parental roles gradually, as parental status increases. Deal with the dreaded “insider-outsider” dilemma that occurs regularly in stepfamilies. Biological groups (like a mom and her kids) are the insiders and step-groups (like a stepdad and his kids) are the outsiders. Take some time to let the two groups “merge.”

Fourth, do everything in your power to develop a cooperative co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. The better this relationship, the healthier your children.

Fifth, make transitions between households “non-events” for both you and your children. Give your children some “breathing room” before and after visits.

Sixth, keep you expectations realistic. Don’t “set up” your family for failure by expecting things that simply cannot or will not happen in your time frame. It takes a long time (experts say 4-7 years) for things to run smoothly in a stepfamily.

Seventh, develop some good communication and problem solving skills. Listen more and talk less. Healthy problem solving happens best when everyone’s concerns are equally valued.

Eighth, get and stay connected. Stepfamilies have a tendency to isolate. The truth is we all need a little support now and then. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family or to join a stepfamily support group.

Ninth, be sure everyone has had a chance to grieve their losses. Stepfamilies begin in loss; therefore grief will come and go in both adults and children. Grief has many looks, including anger, withdrawal, hoarding food, anxiety, or depression.

Finally, major in tolerance and flexibility. In my experience, everyone in a stepfamily is doing their best, most of the time. Remember, stepfamilies don’t become “family” overnight. Learn how to blame the situation, rather than one another.

Teach the experts about the resiliency of the human spirit; don’t just survive – thrive!

Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call (520)721-0800.