Cover Story

It was a single box, looking as festive as could be expected, colorful wrapping and bows sitting alone
on a drab living room chair. There was no Christmas tree. No decorations. No outside lights. Nothing at all like holidays past.

Yet for Chris and Carole, and the stepson who served as recipient of the solitary gift that chilly morning, it ended up being their best Christmas ever. How they reached that single, pivotal moment was, of course, unique. But the catalyst that started the arduous journey years earlier is a common one - perhaps even something you're struggling with in your home right now.

The retail-trap formula: More Gifts = Love

It's easy to fall into the mindset at Christmas that the quantity of gifts you purchase for your children equates to the amount of love you have for them…or wish to show to them. As American society has become increasingly commercial, more pressure has been placed on consumers - particularly parents of children - to buy more to meet their youngster's inflated expectations and guarantee their satisfaction.

For the 2007 holiday season, the National Retail Federation predicts the average individual U.S. consumer will spend $817 on holiday-related shopping, plus an additional $107 on "non-gift" purchases of promoted and discounted items. This despite the fact that the National Mental Health Association cites the financial stresses of the season as a leading cause of increased anxiety and depression, a state commonly referred to as the "holiday blues."

A tendency to overspend on the children at Christmas can manifest itself from a slew of scenarios. For Chris and Carole, both were divorced when they wed nearly 15 years ago. He brought three children into the new relationship; she, one daughter. While Chris was recently divorced, Carole had been a single mom for seven years prior to meeting Chris. As blended families go, it wasn't a smooth mix from the start.

Therefore, when the holidays approached, Chris and Carole went full bore into pleaser mode. "We felt a driving need to be accepted by the other spouses' children and prove that our new life together was good," Carole said. "Though we didn't realize it at the time, the children were upset at having their lives disrupted and at finding this new mom and dad in the picture.

"We wanted the children to love and accept us individually; to see us as a 'normal' family. So Christmas became the one time each year to try and be that normal family we wanted us to be." Chris and Carole sought to prove that normalcy by buying. And buying. And buying again.

In their home, there was barely room to walk around the Christmas tree beginning December 1st until Christmas morning.

"Every year we maxed out every credit card in our wallets, and even pulled money from other sources just so we could create the Christmas illusion we had manufactured for our family," Carole said.

Not only did they spare no expense, they were systematic with the process to the point of obsession. "Every child had to have the same dollar amount spent on them, and every child had to have the same amount of boxes under the tree," she said. "If my husband saw something he wanted to give one child for Christmas, and he bought it, I was then out the next day buying more gifts so the children would all feel equal."

The formula proves incomplete

As the compulsive purchasing continued and the children grew older - and closer to the time they would be leaving home for good - one-upmanship became the norm. "For me, it became a season of, 'What can we do this year that will be better than what we did last year?' In the beginning, we started with PlayStations, as well as clothes, perfume, jewelry, stockings, you name it," Carole said. "But as the two youngest children approached the last 'big Christmas' we would ever have, they both received new PlayStations, computers, computer games, TVs, VCRs, and an entire bedroom set of furniture.

"The children began to expect larger and larger gifts, and we always stepped up to the plate to provide them," she said. "Unwittingly, we covered up our family's real problems with gifts, essentially buying their silence to create a false sense of peace around our household."

Ultimately, the overspending and its adverse effects took their toll. Chris and Carole lived beyond their means monetarily in other areas, and debts piled up. Both were rarely home because they were working overtime to catch up financially. This brought added stress to their marriage, and deteriorated their already weakened relationships with their kids. By the time the older children had become adults and moved out, Carole also began experiencing major issues with her daughter.

"Due to our continued absence from the home and lack of true affection toward our children, my daughter and I experienced relationship problems that threw our family into a tailspin," Carole said. "Things spiraled out of control just before Christmas, and my daughter left home to live with her biological father."

"When she left, she also left behind everything we had bought her over the years. I believe she didn't care about all the stuff we'd bought her at that point. She was just searching for somewhere where she could go to get attention and feel more loved."

It was shortly afterward that the "single box" Christmas morning - and the breakthrough that came with it - took place.

"I don't even remember what it was that we got him," she said. "But he was thankful, and it was obvious it was more than enough. For the first time ever, he and I related to each other. He saw my pain. I saw him for who he really was."

The formula redefined: Less Gifts + Togetherness = Love

Since then, Chris and Carole have not returned to the holiday buying sprees that had once been routine. In fact, this Christmas will find them joining together at their house for a big Christmas dinner and small gift exchange. Carole's once-estranged daughter will be among the entire extended family in attendance.

Relationships once strained to the breaking point are being mended. "We celebrate the true reason for the season and our entire family being together," Carole said. "We love one another. We're finally the 'normal' family we always wanted to be. It's truly a Christmas blessing."

Of course, this blessing comes tinged with more than a hint of regret - a painful lesson Carole now shares with whomever will listen. "If I could choose only one thing I would do differently in how I raised my kids, it would be not to give them everything they've ever dreamed of for Christmas," Carole said. "Our children did not grow up with an appreciation for what it takes to obtain something they want. To save up and buy something on their own, or to feel thankfulness for what they do get. We did wrong. They are learning now, as adults, the hard way."

Another Idea: Adopt a Lifestyle of Giving … to Others in Need

Rod Robison is a man determined to teach himself and his five children to adopt a lifestyle of giving during the holidays - just not necessarily to each other.

This Thanksgiving, his family began a new tradition. As the turkey was served, they sat around the table and shared things they were thankful for. But then they did something radical. Robison and his wife Jeannie got out the wallet and gave their kids some money - $5.00 each for Julia (5), Katie (6) and Jordan (11), and $20.00 each to the older siblings, David (20) and Jennifer (24). Robison and his wife also set aside $20.00 each for themselves.

He then gave the family an assignment. "We want you to decide how you can help somebody else less fortunate with this money. You can't spend it on yourself. You can't spend it on a friend. But you can spend it on somebody or something…it could be an organization or a group of people…that need the help," he said. "Then, on Christmas day, we're all going to sit around after we've opened our presents and tell each other what we did and how we helped somebody with that money."

It's an idea, he said, that came from "The Soul of Money" by Lynne Twist, a book he'd been reading as part of his responsibilities as Vice President for Constituent Services for Family Life Communications, Inc. here in Tucson. As the executive in charge of fund raising, it's Robison's job to understand and communicate the principles of good stewardship to listeners and supporters of the Family Life Radio network. Yet he felt a need to better communicate and model those same principles on the home front.

"It's a lifestyle I'm trying to adopt more, a lifestyle of giving, and what better time to do that than during Thanksgiving and the most materialistic time of the year, which culminates with the day we're supposed to be celebrating the Savior's birth."

The Robisons are also going to do some extra Christmas shopping for the needy when they travel to visit extended family in Texas. They are planning to buy diapers for the Crisis Pregnancy Center (where his niece is employed) and purchase groceries to donate to a homeless shelter, both the result of an idea from his daughter Jennifer. "It helps mitigate some of the consumerism that permeates the holiday."

© 2008 Good News Tucson™