ask renewal

Making Up is Hard To Do

Q. About a year ago I had a fight with a friend. We both said some awful things to one another. She has not spoken to me since. I really want my friend back but I don't know how to make it right, especially since she also really hurt my feelings.

A. Apologies are much easier if you are clearly at fault and the other person was pretty much undeserving of what you said and did. When you say that your feelings were also hurt, your apology becomes trickier. The reason is that one's motive for apologizing is often mixed. What people often really mean is this: how can I apologize in such a way that I can get her to apologize to me, too.

Is it possible that you are a little nervous to approach her because you're worried that she will see the situation as your entire fault and not take responsibility for her part? Sometimes the only thing you get from making amends is a clear conscience. If that is worth it to you, then consider these steps:

The first step, as you can tell, is letting go of the expectation that she will also apologize. The second is to make two lists. On list one put your actions, i.e. I called you names, I left in a huff, I exaggerated the situation. On the second list, record your best guess for the reasons you lashed out. Behaviors are always more understandable if you can see the motives behind them. The last step is to set up a time to meet.

Okay. You are now face to face. What do you say? Start with the end in sight. Do you want to repair the relationship? Tell her. Say something like: "I miss our friendship and I'm hoping we can take steps to fix it." Next, use your list and describe the offending behaviors and apologize with something like: "You did not deserve to have me call you a ______. When I said that I was wrong." When you've finished with the items on that list, go to your second list. It might sound like this: "I said those things because I felt jealous and hurt and I wanted you to hurt, too." Now comes the hard part. Ask for forgiveness.

Most apologies fall short because they rarely demonstrate an understanding of pain that was caused by the incident. Taking these steps requires a willingness to be vulnerable to someone who also hurt you. If you are clear, sincere and open you may also open the door for her to look at her own actions. Maybe, just maybe you might get that apology you seek. If not, you can at least feel good about doing your part.

Linda Ekstrum, M.Ed., L.P.C.

Q. My pet just died and people don't understand my sadness. They say I should just get another one. What do you think?

A. The old notion that pets should be treated as possessions is now false for many of us. As we progressively treat pets with more regard and affection, we become caught between the genuine emotions we feel towards them (and they towards us), and insensitive people who devalue that same emotion. For some reason there is often a gnawing doubt that we "shouldn't" feel as deeply for an animal as we do for a human.

When we lose a human family member, there is much public memorializing and support to help bear the loss. When we lose a pet, grief can be even more painful because there is no public ceremony, no visitation and no caring friends bearing casseroles. The lack of public acknowledgment of our sadness complicates our grief, let alone the disregard of someone saying we should not be sad. Our companion is gone … how should we not feel sad?

Some pet lovers will say, "My dog/cat is just like a family member," when what they really mean is, my dog/cat is a family member. They eat with us, sleep with us, play with us, and are couch potatoes with us - how could we not be deeply, profoundly attached? Even the passing of something as small as a gerbil can have a great emotional impact on a child. That gerbil may have shared your child's bedroom for three years - who wouldn't feel a significant void after losing something that brought joy while sharing your living space for three years?

Depending upon the amount of time and love shared between you, your grief may be intense. Please recognize that this is normal, and as with all grief, it does not need to be justified to those who do not understand it.

For some, getting another pet right away is just the thing, to have another companion to love and to help deal with the sadness. For others, the idea of getting another pet is too heartbreaking to think about for a while. Only you will know when you are ready.

For a list of support groups, visit “Ask Renewal” online, at www.GoodNewsTucson.com

Michele Harris, Counseling Intern

Renewal Centers is a non-profit, licensed Christian counseling agency providing affordable services to the Tucson community since 1985. A sliding fee scale is available.

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