Good News Tucson - A Family Values Publication

The Family Journey with Dr. Jeff Parziale

Divorce and Remarriage Myths (Part One)

For adults, divorce brings a world to an end;
for young children, whose lives are focused in the family,
it seems to bring the world to an end.
E. Mavis Hetherington, For Better or For Worse

Many parents do not appreciate the traumatic effects divorce can have. Children are impacted by divorce. The world they know has been turned upside-down. People they thought would be there forever are gone. The degree of impact depends on a parent’s willingness to put the welfare of the children first. There are many misbeliefs about the impact of divorce and/or remarriage on children. The most common and the most dangerous are that children are not impacted at all or that they are resilient and will bounce back quickly. The realities of how children are impacted are sobering. Below are some of the most common misbeliefs.

Myth: Anger between parents ends with the divorce

Fact: Many couples fight at the same level of intensity even 5-10 years after their divorce. This can be devastating to children, who are often forced to take sides and who may never see a clear picture of positive adult relationships.

Myth: Children are resilient and bounce back in a few months without any negative consequences.

Fact: Actually, there is a higher degree of drug abuse and emotional-behavioral problems. School-related problems also tend to increase. Some children lose their ability to concentrate in school and become under-achievers. The trauma children experience can be substantial and long-lasting. When their dreams of a happy and loving home are broken, their security is shattered and their faith in adults is diminished.

Myth: Children do fine in new families.

Fact: Even after five years, fifty percent of children do not consider their new family an improvement. If they were given a choice, they would return to the family that failed. Children are not nearly as troubled by marital problems as adults. They assume adults will work out their differences, leaving the home intact. New families represent a new set of adjustments for children and most children are not ready to make these new adjustments.

Myth: Divorce is temporary; kids get over it quickly.

Fact: The first two years are the toughest; but for most children, the impact is experienced most, not in childhood, but in adulthood. Divorce is life-changing experience and a defining moment for many children.

Next time, we will complete this list of myths and talk about some ways to reduce the impact of divorce and/or remarriage on your children. Live and love well.

Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 721-0800.