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The Family Journey with Dr. Jeff Parziale
Divorce and Remarriage Myths (Part Two)
Last time we introduced some key misbeliefs about divorce and remarriage. We noted that parents often do not understand the traumatic effects divorce can have on their children. This time we wrap up our discussion and make a few suggestions for helping children cope.
Myth: Children will relate to each parent in the same way after the divorce.
Fact: Things change after a divorce. Many parents become less emotionally available. Established rules and routines change and discipline may become inconsistent. Custodial parents are often so wearied with the tasks of single parenting that they are less attentive to their children’s needs. The result is that children experience an increase in anxiety and stress, especially about a future that seems less and less predictable.
Myth: If I’m happy, my kids will be happy.
Fact: Most children want their parents to stay together; when they don’t, they feel anxious, lonely, isolated, angry and afraid. “Happier” parents are not always better parents. New relationships take time and energy and can diminish parent involvement.
Myth: Divorce rescues children from an unhappy marriage.
Fact: Most children feel “blind-sided” by their parent’s divorce. They assumed their parents would argue, but stay together. Rather than relieved, most children feel rejected, abandoned or betrayed, and have a deep sense of sadness and loss. Many children mistakenly blame themselves. Children in very high conflict homes do seem to benefit from a divorce, since it stops the violence and/or abuse. However, in low-conflict marriages (the majority) that end in divorce, children tend to exhibit more emotional-behavioral symptoms.
Myth: My child will be better off if “he/she” is out of the picture.
Fact: Children seldom view a parent in the same way as an adult. Even if a parent is “out of the picture,” they are always in the children’s mind. Attempting to remove a parent from the child’s life can actually harm the child. However, if a parent is abusive and represents a clear danger to a child, legal safeguards are available.
Myth: Because of their strong determination to avoid divorce, children of divorce tend to have a higher rate of success in their own marriages.
Fact: Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families. This is true because children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. Their sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined.
What can you do?
Be sure you do not believe any of the above toxic myths. Do not rush into a new relationship. Give yourself and your children time to grieve and heal.
Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 520-721-0800.
© 2008 Good News Tucson™