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Parent Ready To “Toss In The Towel”

Q. I had no idea being a parent could be so difficult. I am ready to turn in my mother badge. No matter how many books I read or programs I start, it seems they all stop working. I am at a place where it is easier to just let my children do whatever they want. Do you have any advice?

A. You got it: parenting is hard work. It is especially difficult when you have very strong-willed children or children who have special needs. While it is true that some parents appear to sail through parenting with compliant children, you would be surprised how many parents feel the same way you do.

We have to ask ourselves if doing nothing and feeling defeated will create additional harm in our children. This is not to mention the harm this causes adults who give up and feel like failures as parents. When a parent says things like "I give up" or "I'm a terrible mother" or "you will never amount to anything": we are communicating weakness and inadequacy. When our children are raised by parents who feel incompetent, we are giving permission to our children to give up easily. They resent and deny that life is difficult and fail to participate in life in a proactive manner. They become victims and are reactive. To do nothing creates insecurities and increases misbehavior.

Because it is true that each day is filled with new obstacles and challenges, we have to decide (as the adults) how we will live each day. We can become negative, bitter victims or we can approach each challenge with creativity and hope. This will take the help of others who have skills and the attitude to improve their world. I have learned from other wise mothers, and parenting seminars, to model confidence even when I didn't feel like it. I pray a lot.

Lisa J. Francis M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor

Q. My sixteen year old daughter is cutting herself, how do I help her stop?

A. First, let's take a look at what cutting entails and who cutting affects. Cutting has no definite look, like substance abuse. In adolescent self-harming behavior, there is no one single cause. It cuts across all cultural and socioeconomic levels. We do know, however, that more adolescent females engage in this behavior than males, and that self-harming adolescents are rarely suicidal. Most of these adolescents are seeking quick relief from emotional distress.

The treatment for self-cutting involves a thorough evaluation of its causes and any associated psychiatric disorders. Further treatment may involve reassurance, individual therapy, family therapy, group therapy or medication. Fortunately, a thorough evaluation and prompt treatment most often leads to successful outcomes for adolescents who are self-cutting.

You can help your daughter by seeking out several forms of treatments. One of the most effective treatments for adolescent self-harming problems is family therapy. A skilled family therapist will be able to help improve family communication, teach conflict-resolution and problem-solving skills, and help foster more meaningful and closer relationships between parents and teens.

When conflicts erupt or crises occur, family members should work together as a team to solve these situations. Teenagers need to feel a sense of place in the hearts and minds of their parents. They need to feel appreciated and know that their parents will be there for them unconditionally.

You've discovered that your child is engaging in a risky and dangerous behavior. As the parent you should not hesitate to find the appropriate agencies in your local area which have licensed qualified counselors on staff who will be able to skillfully assist your family and your child with this serious issue.

Sandra King, Counselor

Renewal Centers is a non-profit, licensed Christian counseling agency providing affordable services to the Tucson community since 1985. A sliding fee scale is available.