Good News Tucson - A Family Values Publication

Children and Divorce

In Between Two Worlds, scholar Elizabeth Marquardt reports the findings of a national survey of 1,500 young adults, now 18 to 35. About half are from divorced families and half from intact families. Those from divorced families were younger than 14 when the split occurred. She also interviewed 71 young adults to probe their "inner feelings." She reports that children of divorced parents are more apt than those living in intact families to feel divided between two homes with different values. They are asked to keep secrets about the different households. They are left without clear guidance on what is right and what is wrong, turning instead to friends and siblings. And they are "more apt to struggle with loss, isolation, loneliness and suffering."

According to Marquardt and census data, more than one 1 million children yearly experience their parents' divorce. This number may be even higher if we consider the break-ups of cohabitating couples. Incidentally, I doubt that children distinguish between the two. The first two years are the most critical, and when most symptoms occur. Twenty-five percent of children have serious social or emotional problems (vs. 10% from intact families). Most establish careers, create intimate relationships and build meaningful lives. In general, girls seem to adapt better than boys. Perhaps our cultural mandate that boys should "be strong" and not share their feelings is a factor. There are two important adjustment factors: parental conflict and mobility. Children adjust better when there is minimal "moving around" and minimal parental conflict.

How well children adapt ultimately is open to debate. Many children seem to adjust fairly well to their parent's divorce. Marquardt is concerned about the long term effects on children. She hates term "the good divorce," viewing it as an "adult-centered vision." She believes these children grow-up torn between two households and that under the best of circumstances; children suffer emotional wounds that last a lifetime. A divided family requires children to confront a set of challenges that children in intact families do not. Left without clear guidance, they struggle with loss, isolation and loneliness.

Her major conclusion is that children whose parents divorce must go from living in one world that seemed safe, to going back and forth between two homes that often feel like "polar opposites." The kids must do what their parents had always done for them: develop a clear view of what to think, what to believe and how to behave, especially in the moral and spiritual realms. It becomes the child's job to synthesize these two worlds.

If you are a divorced parent, please be sensitive to the adjustments your child must make. If you are an adult child of divorce, please understand that some of your relationship or intimacy challenges may be the long-term effects of your parent's divorce.

Live and love well.

Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 520-721-0800.