When my daughter Meagan was in the seventh grade, we had to make a tough decision. At the advice of her doctor, a counselor, and even the teachers at her school we came to the conclusion that Meagan needed to be withdrawn from school immediately. Even though my husband and I were both employed full-time outside of the home, we agreed with these professionals that it would be in her best interest to homeschool her, at least for a while.

Meagan wasn’t ill. She wasn’t falling behind in her schoolwork, nor was she having behavioral problems in classes. So what led us to this abrupt decision?

Bullies.

Bullying is only one of the many school-safety issues that students face today. From playground safety to bullying to sexual predators that follow kids to and from school – Are our children safe at school?

“I worry everyday about my son,” said Jill G, whose son attends a local middle school. “I don’t know who he’s hanging out with at school, what he may be pressured to do, and what types of things – like alcohol or drugs – that he has access to. And if he’s being picked on, I’m worried he’d be too embarrassed to say anything to me or anyone at school.”

John Sainz is a Counselor at the Southern Arizona Law Enforcement Training Center who served as a School Resource Officer in Tucson for more than six years at several schools, including Palo Verde High School. He suggests that there’s good reason for parents to worry about their kids. He believes that if parents and school do not become proactive, the lives of our children will be in jeopardy.

“The community needs to become more proactive, and not reactive,” says Sainz. “It’s easy to react when tragedy strikes, but we must be proactive.”

Sainz said that being proactive means two things: First, we must understand who the first line of defense is at school. “If you look at a typical school,” he says, “school monitors are the first line of defense. Their training must help them recognize suspicious activities: who belongs and who doesn’t belong.”

The second way to be proactive is through education to the students directly. “The responsibility to educate children lies primarily with parents. Parents need to have serious discussions with children at an early age regarding strangers and how to take safety precautions at school.”

Top Threats to School Safety

Sainz says that some of the top threats to school safety today are drug usage and gang involvement. “Drug use and gang involvement starts at the 6th grade,” says Sainz. “We’ve estimated that at any school the drug use is about 25%.”

When asked what is the number one safety issue at schools, Sainz said, “Without a doubt, bullying. Children are very aggressive at a very young age and don’t understand the consequences of making a threat. Kids that are picked on must report bullying so that intervention can be done immediately.”

What’s a Parent to do?

There are other ways to fight the bullying problem. Dawn Hanke, Public Information Officer at Pima County Sheriff’s Department, advises parents to get involved at school. She suggests three things parents can do: “1) Work together with school administration and unite students to revise or develop your school’s ‘code of conduct.’ 2) Start a bully education program for the local elementary school to teach kids about bullying. 3) Organize a teen panel or discussion group to talk about issues of bullying and intimidation at the school.”

If the harassment of your child reaches a point that it affects their health and cannot be resolved, you have to do what’s best for your child.

Which is precisely why we chose to remove Meagan from school. It started as numerous phone calls from the school nurse’s office. Meagan was suffering from persistent migraines and stomach problems. Trips to pick her up early became commonplace, and calling in sick a weekly occurrence. Her doctor suggested that these maladies might be due to changing hormones and that we shouldn’t be overly concerned.

She often talked about a particular group of girls who “didn’t like her.” She complained that she didn’t fit in, and hated middle school. I tried to encourage her by pointing out her gifts, talents, and things that made her, well, Meagan. But I began to worry as she became more and more withdrawn, and uninterested in the activities she used to enjoy.

The clincher for us was when I checked in on her after an especially rough day. She was on her bed crying, and I noticed a scratch on her wrist. I asked her what happened. The wound was self-inflicted and her response chilled me to the bone: “I want to kill myself, Mom,” was her heartbreaking reply.

I got on the phone immediately and began calling Christian counselors. We found one who agreed to see us the next morning. After a conference call with her physician and a personal meeting at her school, Meagan began life as a homeschooler.

Why do Kids Bully, Anyways?

What causes kids to become bullies? How much should you allow your child to take up for him- or herself, and when and how should you step in? I posed these questions and several others to experts on the subject of bullying.

Dr. Helen McIntosh is the author of Eric, Jose and The Peace Rug, a book for children on how to stop bullying. “Most children bully because of not getting their own needs met,” says McIntosh, “and so they seek to have them met in unreasonable ways by tormenting others. Underneath the bullying, they are crying out for attention but go about it the wrong way. Most of the time they are being bullied by an older sibling or peer and their response is to bully someone else. Bullies have been known to abuse others as they are being abused and to project their anger or rage on others when what they are most looking for is acceptance.”

Laurie Zelinger, PhD, a certified school psychologist, weighs in on bullies and how they operate. “Often these kids were from authoritarian homes, where decisions were made for them without dialoguing or getting their input. They may have poor interpersonal social skills, and feel entitled to act as they do,” says Zelinger. “Different types of bullying include verbal, physical, and relational. The last – relational – lowers a child’s self esteem through ignoring, excluding, isolating or shunning.” Relational bullying is common among middle school-aged children, especially girls.

There are some definitive, tell-tale signs that your child is being bullied. Betty Hoeffner is President of HeyUgly.org, a nonprofit organization (UGLY stands for Unique Gifted Lovable You!). Hoeffner recommends parents pay attention to their child’s behavior.

“If they are coming up with excuses to not go to school – that is a major warning sign,” she states. “864,000 teens stay home one day a month because they fear for their safety because of bullying.” She also suggests opening a dialogue. “When they sense their child is receptive to talking, have them tell their child that they are reading a lot about bullying. Then they can ask the child if bullying takes place at their school. Perhaps the parent can recount a time when they were in school and had been bullied and how scared and embarrassed they were. The objective is to make a safe environment for the child to open up.”

Other signs to be on the lookout for include ripped or torn clothing, spending more time alone, falling grades, general sadness and changes in sleeping or eating.

Finding Freedom from a Bully

Dr. McIntosh believes that parents should get involved and even include the bully’s parents in finding a resolution.

“Parents can tell their children that they need to report this bullying to their teacher – and if they don’t get them help – report it to the principal – or parents can request a meeting. Insist that the parents of the bully are included as well,” says McIntosh. “The administrators can make up a contract that the bully will not continue to bully others. The bully also needs counseling to see what is below the surface. Usually (he or she) is hurt and has a history of being bullied. A lot of people get help if we can teach kids to speak up and ask for help.”

In 2005 Arizona established an Anti-Bully law, requiring school districts to create and enforce policies to prohibit bullying. If you aren’t sure what your child’s school policies entail, check out the school website, or call the administration office.

Finally, what if you suspect your child is the one doing the bullying? Let your child know you’re aware of his or her bullying behavior. Deputy Dawn Hanke says, “It is the responsibility of the parent to speak strongly to their children about bullying if their child is displaying ‘bullying behavior.’”

I’m happy to report that, by God’s grace, Meagan is a beautiful, well-rounded young woman with a heart of gold. But every once in a while when I look into her eyes I still see that hurting, ostracized, isolated little girl. So whether you’re a parent, a teacher, or a classmate, if you witness someone being teased, intimidated, or terrorized, please don’t be afraid to step in. The difference you make could be one of life or death.

Are Kids Safe at School?

From kindergarten to high school, students face potentially harmful situations at school, before school, and after school. But as a parent, you can have peace of mind if you get involved with their school, know what’s going on in your kids’ lives, and keep open lines of communication with them so they feel comfortable talking with you. In addition, make sure your children’s school has a safety policy in place and that the administration is proactive in creating a safe environment for your children.

© 2008 Good News Tucson™