8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage
In a recent Redbook article, writer Yolanda Caviness introduces us to eight
things about marriage we apparently were never told. The subtitle to the
article, “The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we
all face after we walk down the aisle — and how they teach us about
what love really means,” is well-stated.
She starts her article by suggesting that somewhere deep in our subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella; with Prince and Princess Charming riding off into the sunset. Then she adds a bit of her own life experience. “In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you’re the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I’ve been there.”
What’s the solution? For Caviness it’s that “sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Actually, this is a pretty good list; and although it is written to women, there is good stuff here for all of us.
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, “Is this it? Forever”?
When we marry, we think that as long as you pick the right guy or gal — your
soul mate — we’ll be happy together until death do us part. Then
we wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he or she is, he
doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days
you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first
place. You think to yourself, this is so not what I signed up for.
Actually, according to Caviness, it is. You just didn’t realize it
the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s
faces. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t
kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is,
in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out
togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.
That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. You learn that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium. Once we let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, we find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than we ever could have guessed.
2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.
Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” most assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. If only it were that easy. Human beings are not simple creatures. Men and women are mysterious and we must learn about each other the same way we learned earth science or geography. And getting married doesn’t mean we’re done — it just means we’ve advanced to the next grade.
That’s because every time we think we’ve mastered the material, he or she changes. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.
Next month, we will explore the rest of the list.
Live and love well.
Dr. Jeff Parziale is the director of InStep Ministries, which provides resources, counsel and support to singles, single parents and stepfamilies. Dr. Parziale is an author, speaker and counselor. To learn more about InStep, see their website: www.instepministries.com or call 520-721-0800.
© 2008 Good News Tucson
